"On Wednesdays we wear pink."
The New York Times, with its finger firmly on the pulse of the day’s important issues, dares to ask the question on no one’s mind: Does Hogwarts have a drinking problem? (Sidenote: Yes, I get bored during work, and yes, sometimes that leads me to read the NYT health blog.) Basically, Harry and his friends get crunk in the new movie and some parents are concerned this sets a bad example for their darling Muggle children. It also contains the shocking revelation that children laugh at drunk-acting people. (“As the mother of a 10-year-old Harry Potter fan, I was taken aback by the reaction of the young people in the theater. They snickered at Hermione’s goofy grin and, later, guffawed when an inebriated Hagrid passed out.” Yeah, because it was HILARIOUS.)
Like the patriotic Americans we are, BSS also saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last week, and honestly, just like the dismayed parents in this article, it wasn’t what we were expecting. Which is to say, it played much more like the awesome PG Hogwarts version of American Pie than a kids’ movie about wizards, and we were reminded of this today when reading this article. (And let’s be real: if you were charged with saving the wizarding world from evil incarnate, wouldn’t you need to get wasted from time to time too?)
So the latest Harry Potter, surprisingly, featured more awkward, vaguely sexual jokes than we could have anticipated, the highlight of which was undoubtedly the exchange between Ron and Harry after Harry and Ginny put the Half-Blood Prince’s potions book in the Room of Requirement and subsequently got their mack on. (Ron: “Did you guys do it?” Harry: “Excuse me?” Ron: “You know, hide the book.”) That moment alone was worth the $10.50 (damn East Coast prices!) admission fee. I don’t even care that it wasn’t in the book.
In honor of awkward innuendo and questionable, potentially underage drinking, we got to thinking about our love of the true classics of the teen movie genre, which inevitably feature both as major plot points (here’s looking at you, Can’t Hardly Wait), and decided a little match-up was in order.
Harry Potter and the Teen Movie Archetypes, after the jump.
Harry Potter – John Moxon, Varsity Blues
Harry is great at Quidditch. John Moxon is great at football. But while the others are preoccupied with butter beer and whipped cream bikinis, Mox and Harry are thinking deep thoughts. About their futures. Sure, Mox just wants to get out of his close-minded Texas football town and live the Ivy League life, while Harry is charged with saving the world, but they both have to go against the grain to decide what kind of life to live. And seriously, the whole series of HP books is basically about Harry saying to Voldemort: “I don’t want…your life.”
Hermione Granger – Diane Court, Say Anything
Obviously Hermione would be the valedictorian. Diane Court is very smart, fiercely loyal and slightly socially awkward — just like Miss Granger. She also dates the quintessential underachiever, which would make Ron Lloyd Dobler in this scenario. If he weren’t, you know, magical, I think he would definitely be into kickboxing. Sport of the future. And couldn’t you just see Hermione giving some hapless boy a pen (or perhaps a quill) as a parting gift?
Ron Weasley – Kenny Fisher, Can’t Hardly Wait
Both Kenny and Ron know how to rock the headgear.
Poor Kenny Fisher. He tries so hard to come up with 20 different ways to make the ladies call him Big Poppa, but when it comes down to it, he can’t, yo. And Ron shares his angst. With a best friend like Harry, how can he help but feel inadequate when it comes to getting the ladies? Harry gets Cho Chang and Ron gets…Lavender. But just like Kenny, once Ron stops worrying about being cool, he finds love with his best friend. Heartwarming.
Draco Malfoy – Regina George, Mean Girls
“She’s fabulous, but she’s evil.” So says Damian of Regina George, by way of explanation. Like Ms. George, this boy knows how to dress. Someone’s been studying the wizarding world’s equivalent of GQ (WQ? Please someone make this exist.) While the others are content dressing, like, you know — teenagers, Draco’s not afraid to be outrageously obviously evil by wearing all black suits, ALL THE TIME. And can it really be a coincidence that he and Regina have the exact same hair color? Evil is platinum blonde, apparently. And only wears jeans or track pants on Friday.
Honorable Mentions:
Cormac McLaggen – Steff, Pretty in Pink
This charming douchebag’s got the swagger of a 1980s nouveau riche suburban kid that means he wouldn’t be out of place in a John Hughes classic.
Luna Lovegood – Allison Reynolds, The Breakfast Club
Be honest, can’t you see her using her dandruff to create snow on a drawing? Basketcases unite.
[HP images via Collider]
